


let my body run

by snokoplazm



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Adulthood, Alternate Universe, Angst, Character Development, Emotionally Repressed, F/M, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Post-Break Up, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-06-03
Packaged: 2020-01-15 16:24:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18502657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snokoplazm/pseuds/snokoplazm
Summary: Meeting the right person at the wrong time and then re-meeting them at what could be the right time. It's up to Phil to decide, really, but he doesn't know that.(Of model girlfriends and dogs and the ongoing battle with one's sexuality, second chances and big decisions, and feelings you thought you'd forgotten all over again.)





	1. one

He wakes up slowly to the soft feeling of fingers threading through his hair. It's inviting, comforting, and he wants to lean deeper into the touch and enjoy this one moment of no rational thought in his mind, but he has to get up.

He feels Alyssa’s lips kiss his cheek. He just really doesn't want to open his eyes.

“Good morning,” Phil says, his voice unintentionally groggy and deep. He knows Alyssa loves it this way. (She loves it so much that he doesn't, but he would never admit that to her.)

“Morning, babe.”

He checks the alarm clock even though he knows the time. It's 7 am.

So he leaves the bed and Alyssa in it. He goes to take a quick shower, the water pleasantly running over his body as he stands in the steam and he dresses up all “professionally” after (mismatched socks can hide under his shoes, but they will never go away). He styles his hair into a quiff and goes to quietly eat a cereal bowl and watch the news with Alyssa, and really, it's so boring, but it's okay.

Alyssa looks beautiful with her blond hair messily held up by big hair clips and one of his t-shirts on, big enough on her to look about two or three times the size of her body. There's something almost poetic about the way that sunlight soaks her, and she doesn't even seem to notice.

“You're really beautiful,” he says as he takes her in.

Alyssa laughs softly, but doesn't take her eyes off the TV.

“I know,” she says.

“Good.”

He knows she's already called a cab for him, just like any other day. Phil never in his life thought a day would come in which heading out of the house and going to work would be more exciting than staying in, but his mornings are usually like this now.

When the driver's text comes, he grabs his bag from the table near and Alyssa quickly runs to their room in her quest for the perfect tie. She’s always picked Phil's ties depending on what looks nicer with his clothes that day, and he knows she loves to do this, and he loves the fact that she loves it so much. Today's tie is a royal blue colour with corgis showing their fluffy butts off. Alyssa maneuvers it around his neck and ties it for him, and dimples carve themselves deep in her cheeks. She pecks his lips right after.

 

The sky is covered in grey clouds when he steps outside. He looks at it for a moment before getting in the backseat of the car.

“Did you bring an umbrella with you, mate? Cause’ I heard it’s gonna get worse,” the driver says once he's stepped in.

“No, I heard it was gonna get all sunny and nice on the news?” 

"Oh? Well, I may have heard wrong, who knows.” 

Phil gives him the address and his ride starts. He's never been much of a talker, so he stares outside the window and watches the world there. From dogs being walked to old women watering pretty flowers in their gardens, and eventually suburban apartments become urban buildings.

 

He's in a good place in life, he thinks. He likes where he ended up. He loves his job, being a teacher is actually quite alright. He adores his classroom. He would have never expected to like teaching this much, but there he goes, in a cab ride to go to school like he used to every morning of his childhood and teenage years. He loves his apartment and all the little knick-knacks in it. Life is good.

He pays the driver and thanks him for the ride when they arrive, and the air does feel an awful lot like it does before the rain comes; kind of fresh and sad. “ _Shit,_ ” he whispers.

 

School and teaching are routine by now. He does really enjoy spending time with the kids. Some trust him enough to ask for advice sometimes. Maybe they like him and the classroom more than the actual english lessons, but it’s always worked out.

He teaches his way through the day, and classes are so nice, really. The classroom has fairy lights on every wall along with the motivational dog poster here and there, and he lends his students glitter gel pens in every colour there is if they want to use them, no matter how childish it seems. They ask questions, he answers, a few kids seem less interested but that’s fine as well.

He thinks some teachers often forget that their students are people too. That when they're dazing off or staring outside the window, it's likely that they have personal problems to think about. Sure, he'll still try to get everyone's attention and to make his subject as interesting and fun as possible, but school is hard, and he understands. 

When he isn’t teaching, he's eating a snack or grading pieces of homework. There are familiar faces in the building, of course, but he wouldn’t say he’s friends with the other teachers or is a very social person in general. He does get invited to the work events and the very occasional party even if he doesn’t ever go, and surely that must count for something.

 

It’s 3:35 when classes end. He packs his binder and laptop and everything else, and he heads out after he is done. Some students say bye to him as he walks out and he waves and puts on friendly smiles for everyone.

It's when he's out of school and about to call a cab home that he realises, he doesn't really want to go home right now. He loves his girlfriend, but some time away sounds really nice today (he really rathers not to think about the reasons).

He texts Alyssa so she knows that he won't be coming home in a bit and tells her of his plans as he starts to walk.

 

* * *

 

The library feels like a safe space designed for people like him. It’s cozy with its smell of fresh book pages and bread and the people sat in silence with noses deep in different books.

He buys a cup of coffee from its cafeteria and sits in an empty table near. He doesn't notice time carelessly slipping by as he grades all the homework he had left.

When he is done, he goes and wanders through the shelves just to kill some more time.

He goes to the sci-fi section and reads the titles of each book in the hall but can’t find anything that speaks to him. Looking for more books to search through, his feet walk themselves to the next hall only to find no more sci-fi books, but romance instead. It’s like being dragged from his happy haze and back to reality. He shouldn’t hate romance, but he does.

Real life is nothing like in the books. He hates each of the sappy titles, the shit people eat up. It's not real. When he takes a step back, his mind fills up slowly with the sort of thoughts he can't silence. ( _Do you hate the romance in the stories or the lack of it in yours? Do you hate the actual stories or your own?)_

He can't be bothered. His mood is slightly ruined, and he knows he ruined it himself. He turns around and walks towards the exit. _I’m happy_ , he tells himself over and over as he walks out the doors.

 

Outside, the sky is a lot darker than he expected. It's filled with puffy dark clouds, and the air feels colder. He knows it’s about to rain. _How convenient,_ he thinks.

Across the street, there is a small looking shop. It has a rainbow _Open_ sign on the door and the window reads _SUPERNOVA CAFÉ_ in big, neon pink letters. It’s interesting, he had never noticed this place before. There are different blinking neon signs surrounding the pink font. A musical note, a mug with what he supposes is steam coming out of it, an alcoholic looking beverage, a burger. The burger one reminds him, he should get Alyssa something, so he looks both ways and crosses the street.

 

Inside, there are strobe lights, vinyls and framed music posters, Marilyn Monroe pop art on the walls, signed guitars hung up. People in their tables and on the sofa seem to lean into each other and laugh in an easygoing fashion, like there are no problems in the world. In a place like this, he can kind of understand why. The waiters wear completely black uniforms and carry neon coloured drinks and huge burgers on silver trays. There is a band playing a song he doesn’t know, but it’s really nice, and being there _does_ feel a lot like a supernova.

Phil orders two burgers to go on the bar and sits down to wait for them to be ready.

The singer sings impossibly close to the microphone, and he plays the guitar simultaneously. He sways to the music in the sexiest way and his hair bounces as he does so.

 

_Oh my love, love is beginning_

_We have found something worth living for_

_I’ve got my head in the clouds_

_Oh, my love, love is beginning now_

 

It’s so cool, and he is the one person alone there. It feels weird to be listening to such a song being played, and to feel so damn lonely. It's like everything is far, far away from him, but it’s still nice to look at.

On the wall next to the bar, there is a rainbow neon sign. COME AS YOU ARE, it says. Phil feels a few butterflies in his guts at the implications, and then his food is being placed in front of him in white takeout containers. Even with the place being this packed with people, that did not take long, surprisingly.

He pays and thanks the guy before he stands up to leave, and his stomach sinks a little at the thought of getting home for no particular reason. Slight sadness washes him over like a wave suddenly. Why is he sad?

His thoughts are interrupted all at once as he bumps into another person. _Fuck!_ he thinks and stumbles a little before he falls to the floor.

It’s a slow fall: one of those moments slow enough for one to cringe at themselves but not be able to do anything other than accept whatever idiotic thing is about to happen. It seems so, so stupid for a second, that the band keeps playing this really nice song about how love is beginning now, supposedly, as he falls on his ass, and it’s all he hears before the “ _Sir, are you okay?!_ ”

That is the exact moment each of his organs feel like they finally fall with him, individually. His heart is the one to hit the ground the hardest. It aches before he feels his blood turn cold, as if a full bucket of cold water was dumped on him, both emotionally and physically. He then notices the wetness on his shirt and the big pink stain on it.

_Oh, shit, shit, shit._

“ _Phil…_ ” Dan’s voice, so unmistakably _Dan's_ , calls to him. It sounds small, scared, not loud and scandalous for once.

Phil takes a deep breath before he looks up. There Dan is, surely, wearing a fully black uniform, looking down at him with this sort of terrified look on his face and offering his hand. He takes it, and it feels as if his soul returned to his body after god-knows-how-long, and the room is fucking spinning.

Dan pulls him up from the floor, but neither of them pull away. When Phil stands straight, the distance between them is absolutely _ridiculous_.

There is this moment where they just stand and look at eachother.

Dan’s hair is curly and the fluffiest it has ever looked. Phil recalls loving his curly hair even though Dan hated it and would straighten it every morning. He is wearing golden hooped earrings, and he looks bigger somehow, more like an actual adult. His face has not changed at all, though, and he is staring at Phil, and neither will let go of the other’s hand.

“ _Dan_ ,” he says. It comes out of his mouth unintentionaly, like he’s tripping over his own feet and it’s a call for help. It feels like it, at least.

Dan dramatically blinks at him and quickly looks down as he lets go of Phil's hand.

He bends over to pick up Phil’s containers and bag from the floor for him. The bag is dry, thankfully.

“Thanks,” Phil says as Dan hands them to him.

He can’t stop staring, and Dan seems to be doing everything to avoid meeting his eyes. He looks at Phil’s clothes, and his expression is so sad all of a sudden that it’s painful to look at. His hands fly to gently take the ends of Phil’s tie in them.

“Oh, your tie…”

When Phil looks down, Dan is running his thumbs through a big, dark stain at the ending of it. He couldn’t care less about his clothes, Dan’s hands are as big as he remembered them to be, and his nails are all perfectly painted a glittery black. Phil feels so, so happy and proud of him. His breath is taken away by Dan once more (as if seeing him could ever stop doing so. The years that go by don’t matter, just Dan’s existence will always be enough to take his breath away).

“It’s fine, I’ve got more of those.” His voice sounds painfully small, and he realises his whole body is shaking a little.

“I can fix it for you, I have a really good stain remover at home,” Dan blurts out.

It takes about three seconds for Phil to completely remove his tie and hand it to him, because that means they will meet again, and he really can’t think right now. Dan folds it and puts it on his back pocket.

“I’m sorry about the…” he looks up and down Phil’s body. “Sorry about that.”  
  
“No, it’s fine, I promise.”

Dan opens his mouth as if to say something, but says nothing for a few seconds.

A smaller, blonde waitress walks by and slaps Dan’s forearm.

“Howell, stop flirting, get back to work.”

Phil feels his face heat up even if the rest of his body is freezing, and Dan’s nose crinkles up as if he is hurting by her words. He probably is.

“Look. I really have to remake that drink, but come back tomorrow and I’ll give you your tie,” Dan says. “If you stop by earlier, it surely won’t be as packed as right now, but I'd really like it if you came. Coffee is on me. Whatever you want is on me, just…”

It takes a few seconds of Dan staring at him as if saying _please_ for him to be able to speak.

“Yeah, I’ll stop by.”

Dan’s face fully lights up with that big smile Phil studied until it was forever tattooed on his brain.

“Good. My shift starts at 4. Be careful on your way home, it’s raining.”

Always taking care of him. Phil smiles at him even though he is sure it doesn’t look happy, and he begins walking towards the door. The closer he gets, the more his eyes sting, and a knot makes its place on his throat.

He is about to push the door open when he hears a “ _Phil Phil Phil, wait._ ”

When he turns around, Dan is running towards him, and Phil’s head goes _wow. Dan really is right there._ He really thought he would never see him again.

He stops near, very near him. Phil wants to kiss him.

“Can I hug you?” Dan asks cautiously.

Phil swallows the knot on his throat, and he nods before Dan’s arms are around his shoulders and their bodies touching everywhere. He still feels exactly like Dan when he wraps his own arms around his waist, which Phil supposes is a stupid thought, because of course he does.

He can bury his head in the crook of his neck for now and hold him tight. He’ll let go when Dan does.

Phil closes his eyes. They say nothing for a moment or two, just breathe and feel the other breathe against them.

“I am so gonna get shouted at,” Dan half laughs before he pulls away from Phil’s grasp on him. His face is red and splotchy, and Phil can see his eyes shine like glass as he walks away.

 

It _is_ raining when he comes out. The cab he called is waiting for him in just a few minutes, and he gets in slowly because his body suddenly feels too big and too heavy on him.

He swipes his thumbs through the tears rolling out of his eyes and takes a moment to let today's events sink in.

Dan reminds him of a rose with his new look.

Phil built brick, tough walls to hide behind and Dan seems to have destroyed all of his own. He is all curls and golden hoops and nail polish now. Phil feels so proud, and so terribly sad.

 

* * *

 

It’s 2011 and he is in Manchester, and his apartment is so small but he is pacing through the living room, still. Has he really cleaned enough?

Anxiety is eating him alive, and Dan just won’t pick up the phone.

He hears a door open behind him, and he puts on a calm facade for his mother.

“The bathroom is lovely, Phil. Bit small, but lovely. You have a nice taste for decorating, sweetheart,” she says.  
  
“Thanks, mum.” He locks his phone.

Kath sits by the breakfast bar.

“But you haven’t shown me the whole place yet, darling.”

“Uhh… My room is over there, but it’s really messy.” It’s not, but he is terrified of her opening the wardrobe and finding Dan’s clothes there, or her opening a drawer and finding condoms and lube, which, why on earth would she actually do any of that, but _what if she does_.

Keys jingle outside the apartment, and his stomach falls to the floor. He could throw up right then and there when he hears the door open.

“Phil?” Dan half shouts. “I think you were calling but my phone died.”

Kath looks at Dan and then looks at Phil, waiting for an explanation of some sort that he will have to lie to her face about. 

If Dan had answered his phone calls, Phil would have whispered, “ _Please don’t come home, go anywhere else, now,_ ” but he didn’t. He is right there for his mother to see.

“Mum, that is my friend Dan,” Phil says, and his voice shakes while doing so.  
  
Dan inhales sharply. His face looks as if his stomach had just been stabbed.

“It’s so lovely to meet you, Mrs. Lester,” he says as he walks closer and reaches his hand to shake hers.

“Oh, that’s so formal,” she says as they shake hands and places her free one on top. “Call me Kath, it’s fine, love.”

Dan smiles at her, and Phil can see right through him. It’s his hurt smile, and he feels like shit but he really needs him to go.

“Anyways, sorry to interrupt,” Dan says before he is looking at him. “Didn’t know you had guests over, I should go.”  
  
Phil should have grabbed his hand and come out to his mother that exact second. It would have made Dan so happy to be called Phil’s boyfriend out loud, he knows. He should have said “ _Mum, I lied, he’s so much more than that_ ,” but he didn’t. Instead, he just painfully watches the scene unfurl in front of him, as if he is far above and outside his body, even though he wants to scream something. Anything.

“It's been lovely to meet you, Mrs. Lester.” 

Dan walks out with his head down, and nobody asks for him to wait.

When the door is shut, Kath turns back to him with her eyes big and full of questions. 

“Why does he have a key to your apartment?” He sighs.

“He, uh… He watered my plants that time I went to visit Martyn in London recently. I must have forgotten to ask for the key back.”  
  
He never planned to become any good at lying. If he could take all of his practice back, he really would.  
  
“Phil, that’s weird,” Kath says, judgy as always, and for a second he doesn’t know why he bothers.

 

  
(Dan wouldn’t come home until the next day. He stayed over at his best friend’s place for the night and returned home with puffy eyes in the morning.  
  
Phil hid him away, and Dan deserved better.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [love is beginning](https://youtu.be/rPQ2K0oPtMU)
> 
>  
> 
> thank you to maya @howellettes and to emmy @watergator for the support, infinitely. i love you both so much.


	2. two

He stands outside his own door for a long while when he gets there. He dabs the remnants of his tears away before inserting the key to enter the apartment.

Alyssa is sat on the couch in a hoodie and underwear only.

“Phil? What took you so long?” She stands up and walks over to him.  
  
“I thought you were only going to the library. Shit, you’re soaking.”  
  
“Brought you this,” he says and lifts the white containers for her to see.  
  
“Why is your shirt red? What happened?”

“It just…” He sighs and feels his shoulders tense as she starts undoing the buttons. “It’s just been a long day.”

“I can tell,” she says before she is sliding the shirt off his arms and he is walking to leave everything on the coffee table.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”  
  
“How did the photoshoot go?”  
  
Alyssa stands there, hands on her hips, careful not to step too near him, like Phil is a bomb waiting to explode.

“It was great. I’m a bit tired, but yeah. Good, as usual.”  
  
“Yeah?” He makes his way to their room to put on pajamas and she follows.  
  
“A few guys wouldn’t take their eyes off me, though. Watch out. Someone will steal your girlfriend, mate,” she says with a slight giggle.  
  
_Oh no,_  he thinks, his mind sarcastic enough to remind him of Dan’s and he wants to slap himself in the face or to scream a _please stop_. To who, he is not sure.

“Are you okay?” she asks.

Alyssa has this ability to notice when something, _anything_ is wrong, even if just slightly. She can read him like a book, and _still_.

“Better than ever,” he says before he can even think of his own words. He instantly regrets them.  
  
Alyssa is quiet for a few seconds. He feels her stare heavy on him.  
  
“Uh, Phil, are you in there?”  
  
He turns around to face her.  
  
“Oh, sorry, I just thought my boyfriend got eaten by an asshole.” She crosses her arms and leans her back on the bedroom door.

Phil takes a deep breath.  
  
“I’m sorry, it’s just… You know.”  
  
“Mhm,” Alyssa says with a nod and lets his stained shirt fall to the floor before leaving. “You wash that.”  
  
He watches her walk away before he sits on the bed, shirtless and cold, his hands resting on his bouncing knees. He tries to stop the bouncing and takes a long moment to simply breathe.

He takes his jeans off and walks to the bathroom to remove his contact lenses. He doesn’t even want the bloody burger.

Slowly, he makes his way to bed. He lays down over the covers and rests his arms under his head. There are too many things that have been waiting to be thought of, and he just wants to sleep. He's so, so tired.

 

* * *

 

Between all of the things he appreciates about Alyssa, there is this one in particular: Alyssa is not petty. She'll give him space if he needs it, and she won't stay angry over the smaller things. She'll call him out if she has to, and she'll absolutely kick his ass if necessary, but her patience with Phil is something to admire.

The next morning goes by like any other would. He wears black trousers and a dark blue shirt this time, so Alyssa picks out a black tie with a flowery pattern on it that he wasn’t even aware he owned.

When she kisses him before he leaves for the day it feels deeply, deeply wrong.

 

The day is sunny and beautiful, somehow. School goes by slowly and as usual. It’s not that things have changed, he is sure he would feel happy if he could just stop thinking of Dan’s face whenever he had the chance. Dan here, Dan there, it's annoying. It makes him want to cry again in stress.

 

* * *

 

When he can finally head out of work, there is still some time left until Dan’s shift starts, and he doesn’t know what to do. Would it be creepy to wait at the café for him to arrive? Surely Dan has better things to think of, that would be weird.

What he ends up doing is going to the library in front of the café, as if that’s any better.

For a while, he is able to take Dan off his mind. He wanders through the same shelves he did the day before just because he's feeling particularly brave. The romance section is just as ugly as it was yesterday, but today he is a little curious, though he would never admit this to another soul. _Stupid romance._

After looking for a while in between cheesy and ridiculous books, he finds a white spined book with blue letters on it. “ _Two boys kissing,”_ by David Levithan (whose existence he had never in his life heard of). It's obvious at first glance, but it's also small enough to go unnoticed if it were to go in his school bag. It's just as ridiculous as the other ones, but.

Some part of him makes him take it, though he is not sure what. It could be just the naughtiness of it all. Surely Alyssa won't notice if he hides it well enough.  
  
It’s 4 pm already when he checks his phone. He goes to the desk to check out, and finally, he walks away and across the street to enter the Supernova Café.

 

* * *

 

His nose is filled with the strongest smell of coffee as soon as he is in. The shop is almost empty. Dan is right there in his black uniform, setting two large mugs on a table and making polite small talk with the two old women sat there holding hands. Something he says makes them laugh, and his smile is so gentle and bright. Phil's heart hurts.

He walks in with his stomach tied in knots. Dan turns to sees him, and he smiles at Phil nervously before grabbing a menu from behind the bar as Phil walks to the couch.

When he sits, Dan places the menu on the coffee table in front of him.  
  
Phil looks up at him and shakes his head. He feels his face begin to smile even though he tries for it not to. Dan is just really there wanting to take his order, and he is even more beautiful than when he last saw him years ago.

“What?” Dan laughs.

“Surprise me.”  
  
Dan closes his eyes for a second and his smile grows wider.  
  
“Phil Lester,” he says. “Never change.”  
  
He turns around and disappears into the kitchen.  
  
Phil waits for him to come back and bounces his leg without realising. He looks at the two ladies on that table, holding hands so freely here. Old and happy, flirting like they’re teenagers. He looks at the rainbow _“come as you are”_ on the wall next to him and reads it over and over again.

 _Never change,_ Dan said. What if he wanted to?

“Hey, stranger.”

Phil looks up to watch Dan sit on the chair right in front of him. A baby blue cup of coffee waits already on the table. It doesn’t look special, but it sure feels like it.

“So, you look a little different,” Phil says.  
  
Dan makes a face and pulls his chair closer. “Eugh, I’d hope so,” he says before laughing.  
  
Phil takes his mug on his hands. They look at each other for a moment.  
  
“You look really happy, Dan.”

When he sips on his coffee, it tastes exactly how he likes it. Dan remembers how to make his coffee.

Dan’s smile doesn't weaken, and he looks at Phil for a moment. His eyes become glossy.  
  
“Yeah, you could say that I am,” he says with a shakier voice.

“I'm happy for you.” Phil feels his eyes begin to moisten as well, but he tries his best to hold it back.

He reaches for Dan’s hand before he remembers it's not the right thing to do and stops himself right on time. He places his hand next to Dan's on the table instead before saying, “I’m sorry.”  
  
Dan’s eyebrows furrow. “What for?” He says and looks down, sounding exactly like he does when he is about to cry.  
  
“You know what for. Everything, I guess.” He is surprised to find, he sounds like he’ll cry at any moment as well.  
  
“No,” Dan says, his eyebrows still furrowed. “That's okay. Everyone’s ready on their own time.”  
  
Phil shakes his head. The water on his eyelashes clouds his vision.

“That doesn't make up for it.”  
  
Dan looks at him for a few seconds and then looks down at his lap. Phil knows he is playing with his own hands.  
  
“I’m sorry too,” he says.  
  
“Why?”  
  
Dan doesn't say anything. Instead he smiles, but his eyes look just as sad when he looks up at him.  
  
“So! How's life? What's happened lately?”

Phil smiles back and ignores Dan's avoidance of the question, even though he will think about it all night long. Dan says _lately_ as if it hadn't been 5 years, 5 years since they said goodbye and then left and supposedly moved on.

“Well, Dan. I started looking for a job as soon as I moved, and… I'm an english teacher.”

Dan gasps and giggles right after. “No way! Phil, the english teacher!”

He's like a puppy wagging its tail when he laughs. Phil wants to caress his curls. Badly.

“Yeah!” He says and laughs as well. “I love it actually, I teach great kids, the school is alright. They like me. You should see my classroom, you'd love _and_ hate it.”

“Maybe I should,” Dan says, laughter still spilling his words. “And you're the handsome teacher everyone's got a crush on?”

If Phil was starting to relax, butterflies fill his stomach again.

“I don't know if handsome, but…”

Dan sighs and rolls his eyes, smile still huge on his face.

“Well, I've been working here for a while. Didn't move right away, but. Y'know. It's a home. I love London, my job, my friends, everything, I…”

“I'm really happy for you, Dan. Congrats.”

“I didn't know what I want to do back then, it sure as hell wasn't this, but, yeah... I _am_ really glad this is where I fell.”

“Yeah.”

“How about boyfriends?” Dan asks. It makes Phil’s insides clench. Only Dan holds the amount of power to twist his insides this way.  
  
Phil laughs bitterly.

“No, boyfriends…” He takes a sip of his coffee. “I’ve got a girlfriend now.”

Dan stares at him with a smile that only shrinks the longer Phil doesn't say anything else, as if waiting for a punchline that will never come.

“Oh.”

Phil nods. “Mhm.”

“Phil…”

They don’t say anything. The door opens shortly after, and Dan quickly stands to receive the new customers, a group of young girls and a mom trying to keep control of them.

Phil watches him work and smile politely. Dan writes their orders with his left hand, and when he walks by Phil, he squeezes his shoulder and whispers a small “ _wait_ ” before walking to the kitchen again.

When Dan comes out of the kitchen, there are a bunch of crepes and milkshakes on a tray he holds with just one hand. He can walk on a normal speed and keep a perfect balance of the tray without the food on it shaking at all, it's impressive. He very carefully sets the things on their table. Phil thinks maybe it’s a little weird to stare, but can he really help it?

When he comes back to sit with Phil, he looks so sad. _Don’t be sad_ , he wants to say. He wants to jump off the couch and hug him, but he stays where he is.

 _"Are you_ happy? Like, actually happy, Phil?” 

Phil raises his eyebrows and feels his forehead wrinkle.

“Yeah, I mean...”

Dan does get up from his seat. He sits next to Phil, close, and very softly lays a hand on his forearm.

“What’s she like?”

“I… She’s a model.”

“Jesus.”

“Yeah,” Phil says, laughing. “She’s amazing, she's gorgeous, she… She’s so patient and understanding. And she loves me so much…”

Dan nods and looks down, pretends to be casual.

“And do you _love_ love her?”

Phil thinks about it for a second.

“Yeah, I… Yeah, she-” Dan interrupts him, says,

“But do you _like_ her?”

Of course he likes Alyssa. They’re happy. She’s such a nice girl, who wouldn’t like her?

“Who wouldn’t like her,” Phil says, and Dan smiles like he feels sorry.

“ _Gay guys,_ Phil.”

Phil’s body tenses at the word.

“Stop it,” he whispers.

Dan looks at him, and he takes his hand off his arm.

“Sorry.”

Phil just avoids his gaze.

“You know what, you _should_ show me your classroom sometime.”

When he looks at him, Dan is smiling kindly, and Phil just can't help himself when he sees those dimples. Good thing that they're sat down, because he still makes his knees weak, even when sad.

“Give me your number and I'll show you whenever you want.”

 

* * *

 

When Phil gets home, he wants nothing more than to eat some cereal and maybe watch Adventure Time or Buffy or something of that matter. Alyssa is at work, still, and he feels like guilt will eat him alive. Guilt of what, exactly?

He didn't think of his girlfriend once while watching Dan work, or while wishing he could just move his hand an inch to hold Dan's. What would Alyssa think? He's gotten a number from a guy, who also just happens to be his ex, who she doesn't even know exists. Alyssa knows Phil back and forth, but she doesn't know anything.

Phil loves his girlfriend, he loves his life, so why does he feel so bad? He can hide a few things here and there. He's not a cheater. He's not.

 

* * *

 

Alyssa's keys jingle on the door and Phil stands from the couch to receive her. The door opens, and Alyssa is there in her big coat and a ponytail high on her head.

“Honey, I'm home!” she says.

“Hi.”

Phil walks up to her slowly. He wraps his arms around her waist before Alyssa can turn to face him as she closes the door with her keys.

She giggles and sways in his arms in this way that he thinks anyone in the world would cry tears of joy because of. His heart is swimming in waves of fondness and guilt and this unbearable sadness.

“You missed me?”

Did he? Did he really miss her? He doesn't know what to say.

Alyssa turns and wraps her arms around his shoulders. They sway slowly, almost dancing, and she puts her hands on his jaw and caresses it gently. She studies his face with this look of love in her eyes. Love he _desperately_ wants to return.

“What's wrong, babe?” Alyssa murmurs gently, as to not hurt him. He wants to say “ _don't ask what's wrong, I'll cry_.”

Instead he goes for, “You know I love you, right?”

She smiles at him and pecks his lips.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Phil whispers before pulling her in for a hug.

“What's all this about?” She asks giggling slightly now and rubbing his back.

“M’ just sad.”

“Okay… What were you watching?”

“Huh?”

Alyssa pulls away slightly, Phil's hands still on her hips, and she points at the TV.

“Oh. Adventure Time. Sorry you have such a lame boyfriend.”

“You wanna watch it together?”

Sometimes he forgets completely of her american accent. Other times it's so loud and obvious that she still feels miles and miles away, even standing just between his arms.

Phil nods and she kisses his cheek. Then she walks away into the hall.

“Make some popcorn,” she says from their room. No need to shout, their apartment is small enough.

He walks to the kitchen and puts a bag of popcorn in the microwave. When they're ready, he puts them on a bowl and carries it to the kitchen, only to find Alyssa already sat on the couch and in her pajamas. A big blanket is wrapped around her, which, when she sees Phil, she takes a corner of and opens her arm, waiting to wrap him in it. Phil gladly climbs on the couch and wraps himself in the comfort of the blanket.

They watch the cartoon cuddled together for a while, and Phil doesn't think it's possible to feel so alone in a loved one's arms.

Alyssa's fingers lightly caress Phil's arms, and he thinks nothing of it until her hand lands on his thigh. She pauses Netflix with her free hand before she climbs on his lap and lays her hands on his shoulders.

“Can I make it better?” Alyssa murmurs.

_No, no, no, no._

“What? No, Alyssa-”

“Come on,” she says.

“No,” Phil places his hands on her hips to push her away, and instead Alyssa leans in and kisses him.

“No, I'm not in the mood, okay?”

Alyssa pulls away and looks at him in the eyes. She looks like she is forcing the words not to come out of her throat. She simply huffs and gets off his lap, sits beside him on the couch, this time far away, and she looks straight at the TV.

Once Alyssa is sat far from him, Phil thinks, " _good_.” He finally breathes.

She turns to look at him after a moment. Phil stares at the TV. Alyssa sighs and stands up before she walks away.

When he hears the click of their bedroom door, he pauses Adventure Time and turns off the TV.

“What on earth makes a woman horny about Adventure Time?”

He takes one of the throw pillows on the couch and rearranges it on the very ending of it. He lays down. He hadn't realised he felt this exhausted. It's not even night-time.

Is it how emotionally draining this day was? He's not _old_ , certainly, but he's not getting any younger, and right now he feels a thousand years old. How can a moment so nice become so wrong in a matter of seconds? And Dan, he is once again a part of his life. And Phil is not over him. It hits him that everything is wrong, and he doesn't know what to do about it. About anything.

He should call his mom. He should do something.

His thoughts become more and more blurry. Something about Manchester, something about wanting to go home. But this is home.

 

* * *

 

Phil is 15 years old and it's 2002.

The house is warm in the most comforting way, his mom makes him spaghetti in the kitchen, the air smells of the apple pie candles his dad burns and he could not sink deeper into the couch if he tried. A _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ episode plays on the telly, and Phil stares at Buffy. He thinks she's so, so cool. He loves the way she moves as she fights and he loves the power and strength she holds as a girl. She's a woman superhero, for god's sake, it blows his mind. She's amazing in every way possible, but Angel is fighting vampires with her, and he inevitably catches Phil's attention.

There is something about Angel that makes him stare a little longer every time he appears in the show. Sometimes he's shirtless. For some reason, Phil thinks of a shirtless Angel whenever he sees him, and there is this cool tattoo on his back that can only make Phil gulp hard. His clothes feel tighter all of a sudden and his chest feels _weird._  He can’t breathe properly. _Why_ is his stomach flipping, god...


	3. three

“Phil, where's that corgi tie?”

It’s the next morning, and Phil quietly eats cereal on the couch while staring at the TV in front of him. He doesn’t even hear Alyssa at first.

“What?”

“The blue corgi tie, I can't find it.”

 _Shit_ , Phil thinks. Dan still has the tie, he forgot to give it back and Phil completely forgot about it, too. His stomach sinks.

“Oh, I’m sure it’s in my school bag.”

“Do you wanna wear that one?”  
  
Phil scrunches up his nose. “Maybe not. I’ve worn it a lot recently.”  
  
“Okay, you div.” Alyssa giggles. It makes Phil smile before he exhales in brief relief, which instantly turns into guilt. Just like that, he’s done something bad, and he can’t stand it.  
  
“What about this one?” Alyssa says before coming out of their room with a black Pokémon tie in hand.

 

* * *

 

He still feels guilty at school in all those little blank moments where he has the time and space to think.

The bell rings announcing the beginning of lunch break, and his students pack all of their things to leave the classroom. It’s only then that his stomach rumbles for food. He hadn’t even realised how hungry he was. He says his goodbyes to the class and when everyone has left, he heads out as well.

There is a vending machine not too far from his classroom, which is the first thing that comes to his mind, so he walks there. Alyssa just won’t leave his mind, and neither will the fact that he lied to her. It was a small thing, but how small can lies be before they turn into big ones that will chase after him? How far can they be controlled, how small did he start before he was hiding the man he loved from his mother, calling him a friend. He can’t lie to Alyssa. He shouldn't be lying to anyone at all, he has tried not to since _the_ break up. So is he really going to do this again?

He is paying the vending machine for a small bag of chips when he hears a “ _Lester!_ ” from a voice he doesn’t recognise. When he turns to see, James Hill, the history teacher, is looking at him while locking his own classroom with a friendly smile on his face.

“Hi,” Phil says.

The machine is working its magic to get his bag of chips out, and Phil wants to accelerate time. He doesn’t dislike James, he just doesn't love talking to people. How will he embarrass himself this time? Spin the wheel!

James walks towards him, and Phil looks back at the machine in hopes that his bag of chips has already fallen, or is in the process of doing so, so he can leave as soon as possible. Instead, the bag is stuck between the other bags and the glass, and James suddenly stands right beside him. Lucky Phil.

“Oh, fudge…”

James looks at the machine and inserts his own money in it to pick another bag of the same chips.

"Fudge," James mocks him with an airy laugh.

The two bags fall down together.

“All alright, Mr. Lester?”

“Yeah, thank you for that.”

James bends over to pick up the chips and hands him a bag. He looks at Phil in silence for a few seconds, the tiniest hint of a smile still there, before he says, “Actually, I'm not just being polite, you kind of looked a bit sad just now.”

It throws Phil off his balance. He doesn't know what to say.

“Oh…” He thinks of what to respond, what would be the correct thing to say. “No, I'm fine, really. It's alright.”

James breathes in deeply.

“D'you wanna eat these together?” he says and shakes his bag.

 

They go back to Phil's classroom after that. James sits comfortably on top of Phil's desk, like he belongs there. It's different from the usual loneliness, and certainly not in a bad way. A conversation about the kids they teach becomes one about themselves, about the things they love, the things they hate. Something about him is so soothing. Phil finds himself not having to make an effort with him, like they just click. It is the nicest feeling.

At some point during their time together, Phil gets a text. He tries to check as quickly as possible just to know if it's anything important, but… Alyssa's sent a “miss you,” and that's it. Phil smiles at it and locks his phone.

“That your girlfriend?” James asks.

“Yeah, sorry, that was rude.”

“Aw, man. I was just going to ask if you were single,” James half laughs. Phil giggles back, inevitably.

“What?”

“Whatever,” James says with that big smile of his.

“We should do this more often.”

“We should've become friends a long time ago, you're always running away.”

Is that really the case? That Phil runs away from people? His eyebrows furrow and he stops to think about it.

“Am I?”

“I mean, it's not a big deal, you're just more of an introvert than the other teachers. That's fine, Phil.”

The bell rings once more. Lunch break is over, and it slipped away in what felt like a few seconds.

“This was fun,” James says as he jumps from Phil's desk.

“We'll hang out again tomorrow?”

“Aw, you already miss me.”

“Goodbye, James!” Phil says while rolling his eyes. He smiles regardless.

“Oh, we're way past that," James says on his way to the door. “I'm Jimmy now.”

“Ooo, Jimmy.”

“Bye Phil,” he elongates his words childishly, and he opens the door for the group of teens coming in. Phil really likes him.

 

* * *

 

The school day is over after what feels like an eternity. His youngest group leaves the classroom probably glad they're finally free. Soon enough, they'll be able to hug their moms, eat their meals, pet their dogs. Their excitement at the end of each day to simply leave makes Phil kind of happy. Sometimes it makes him look back on his childhood. Sometimes it makes him think of the future, more blurry and uncertain than ever. Like the more he ages into adulthood, the farthest the bright future he once dreamed of is from his reach. But this is the present even if Phil dreads it, and his thoughts are silenced in the blink of an eye.

Present Phil with his present problems, like a missing tie and the lie he told. He really should call Dan.

He stands from his chair and grabs his phone. His hands shake slightly, god knows if it's the nervousness or that stupid tremor, but aren't both equally awful?

He takes a deep breath and exhales loudly, trying to gain as much courage as he can. He presses that damn Call button and goes to lean in front of his desk. His leg bounces slightly.

Dan answers the phone on the fourth ring.

“Hello?”

“Dan.”

“Phil!”

“How are you?”

Dan stays silent for a few seconds, dramatic as ever.

“I'm– I'm good, how are you?”

Phil smiles. He is so glad no one can see him.

“I'm okay. Listen, I really need that tie back.”

“Right, right, I was actually on my way to work already, do you want me to turn back?”

“No, you'll be late.” He thinks of what to do for a second. "We could meet tomorrow." The strength it takes to keep it casual, even though he is sure Dan will never buy it (because he's _Dan_ ), is tremendous.

“Could we?” Phil can hear Dan's smile, and it makes his heart jump a little.

“Yeah.”

“Okay… I'm just giving you your tie back, right?"

"Yeah, I mean. Unless."

Dan breathes out a laugh. "Unless what?"

Phil laughs as well. There's nothing remotely funny about the situation. He wonders what they're even laughing about, but that doesn't stop him. There are butterflies in his guts, he doesn't care.

"D'you…" He cannot believe himself. Not for one second. "Do you _want_ to do something?"

"... Like what?"

Phil shrugs as if Dan was there to see. "You tell me."

"Alright, look, I can't be distracted while driving, we'll figure it out, okay?" Phil is reminded then that he can see right through Dan too. His words are supposed to be cold and his voice sounds like all sweet things ever invented. He just wanted a tie back, this did not go according to plan. At all.

"Okay."

"Bye. Weirdo."

 

* * *

 

It doesn't feel nearly as fun when he gets back home. His apartment, for the first time, feels too small. Not for two people, but for him alone. It's like the walls slowly tighten around him, ready to collapse into each other and suffocate him at any moment. He just asked his ex out, what is he doing?

He makes his way to the bedroom, undoes his tie and peels all of his clothes off to let them fall to the floor. He puts pajama pants on before he jumps into bed. Suddenly he is so tired. And there's always work to do, he should do that, but the bed feels more comforting that ever. Work can wait for now, because he simply doesn't want to be awake. He doesn't want to think.

His phone, right beside him, buzzes. Phil doesn't want to check any notification but it always could be important, and what if someone died and he was too busy procrastinating on his feelings? No, just the thought of it makes him nervous.

He unlocks his phone. It's a message from Jimmy.

 **_jimmy_** : wyd

Phil smiles at it.

 **_phil_** : Nothing, you?

 **_jimmy_** : come grab lunch with me, i'm lonely

Phil huffs out a laugh. A sad one.

 **_phil_** : Miss me already? :)

 **_jimmy_** : yes!!!!!! pls??????

 **_phil_** : Can't, sorry

Jimmy's bubble reads three dots for a few seconds, which then disappears. Phil thinks it would be weird to ask, but then the dots appear again.

 **_jimmy_** : why? :(

He hesitates for a moment. Jimmy did go talk to him earlier that day just to see if he was fine. He seems to be caring and nice, but Phil doesn't completely know him still. He wonders what would happen if he went ahead and said " _I'm sad_ ," but it feels like too much to let him in. To let anyone in. But then, there is the lying situation. And Jimmy _is_ nice. He can't let this nice, blossoming friendship begin with lies. So what will it be? It takes him a moment, and then,

 **_phil_** : I'm sad

Jimmy's reply is almost instant.

 **_jimmy_** : oh, do u wanna talk about it?

Does he?

 **_phil_** : Not really, but thanks

 **_jimmy_** : ok well i've got some sick memes

 **_jimmy_** : take these

Jimmy does send him memes. A lot of them, all different formats, and Phil's heart feels so full he wants to cry. He doesn't get to thank him or even see each of them because his eyes begin to droop and his phone slips from his grasp. He falls asleep as Jimmy continues sending memes.

 

* * *

 

_Manchester, early 2012._

Dan turns the heat off and, with the spatula, he puts the last piece of pizza on a plate.  
  
“Toast?”  
  
“Ready,” Phil says.  
  
“Blankets?”  
  
“Ready.”  
  
“WALL-E?”  
  
“Waiting for us,” he says as he grabs the plate with the toast. He kisses Dan’s cheek and Dan takes a pepperoni piece with his fingers. His hand flies towards Phil’s mouth, and just as Phil opens it, Dan moves his hand and eats the pepperoni himself.

"Hah," Dan laughs and Phil rolls his eyes at him. The truth is he adores that laugh, so it's okay.  
  
“Come on.”  
  
It’s not a long walk from the kitchen to the living room. Their place is small, but it’s theirs. Inside, no one can harm them. Nothing hurts. It’s a safe space, and no one else is invited. There’s not a lot of furniture yet, but that doesn’t matter because Dan is happy, and Phil is happy. Really, really happy.  
  
They put their plates on the coffee table and they sit together on the couch, not a centimeter of space between their legs, all tangled together, and they drape the blanket over them. With the press of a button, the movie starts playing and the Disney castle appears, gigantic and magic and wonderful. He gets the brief thought in his head that, even though it’s probably not even a tenth part of that thing, their home is better. He smiles to himself and lays his head on Dan’s shoulder. Dan turns to look at him and he kisses Phil on the nose.  
  
They eat their burnt pizza and toast as the movie plays, and they watch attentively, and they laugh. They play and they flirt dumbly on every cheesy part of the movie. They also cry on the sad parts. A lot. But even when they’re crying, Phil knows one thing: this is as good as it gets.

“Let’s never be futuristic robots in a spaceship,” Dan says, teary and shaky after the movie has ended.  
  
“Yeah,” Phil says, his voice broken as well. His eyes hurt.  
  
“Phil?” (Dan was going to say _I love you_.)  
  
“Hm?”  
  
Dan smiles at him, tears on his eyes still, and he looks at him like he is the most amazing thing in the world. He breathes a laugh and shakes his head.  
  
“You have bread crumbs all over your chin, you big baby.” He grabs a napkin from the coffee table and Phil sticks his tongue out at him before Dan cleans his face.

 

* * *

 

He awakes to the sound of the apartment’s door opening. The room is dark, but not dark enough so that he can’t see. It takes a moment for him to realise, the pillow is wet and cold on the sides of his face, and he sobs, surprising himself. Had he been crying in his sleep? He can’t lay there and think about it, Alyssa is going to come through the door at any moment and he is not ready to be this vulnerable in front of her right now. He can’t. He gets up and wipes his face with his wrists, tells himself to calm down. He sighs.  
  
He makes his way to the bathroom and washes his face over the sink. When he looks in the mirror, his eyes are red but at least his face isn't, and that’s good enough. The redness on his eyes seems logical, he has been asleep after all.  
  
“Phil?” Alyssa half-shouts from the living room, and Phil comes out of the bathroom to face her.

“Hi.”

She stands and looks at him, and cautiously asks, “You okay?”

“Huh?”

“Did you fall asleep with your contacts on?”

“Oh, yeah.” He did, actually.

“Phil...” She says as she approaches him. She caresses his cheeks and pecks his lips, and he lets her. 

“How are you?” Phil asks.

“I’m good, work was uneventful. We’re still shooting for that one magazine, I freakin’ loved today’s outfit,” Alyssa rolls her eyes in excitement and her entire face lights up.

“Yeah?” Phil takes her hand in his and leads her to the couch. Alyssa’s smile grows.

“Yeah, I’m wearing this red sparkly suit and red lipstick, it’s amazing, I so wish you could see it,” she says as they sit. Phil reaches his hand to adjust a strand of her hair behind her right ear.

“How was work for you?” she asks.

“Oh, it was okay. I met this guy, actually, he’s cool.”

“Aw. You made a friend,” she pinches his cheek as if he was a kid.

Phil laughs. “Yeah.”

“Cool,” she says and she stands up. “Wanna order pizza?”

“Yeah, definitely.”

Alyssa grabs her phone from the bar and starts dialing _Domino’s_ , and Phil wants to grab his own phone from his pocket to check his notifications before he realises he left it in their room.

He stands up and walks to their room. When he turns the lights on, the phone is there on the bed. He takes it and unlocks it as he walks back to the living room. Alyssa greets the pizza worker on the phone, and Phil sits on the couch again. There are two messages from Jimmy on his phone. Shit, he didn’t even say goodbye to him.

 **_jimmy_** : better?

 **_jimmy_** : phil? Babe?

Phil begins typing his own message.

 **_phil_** : Hi!! Sorry, I fell asleep:(

 **_phil_** : Thanks for the memes though

“Okay, thank you,” Alyssa says before she hangs up. She puts her phone on her back pocket and turns to look at Phil. “Pizza’s coming.”

“Cool,” Phil says. Just then, his phone buzzes. Phil looks down at it expecting a reply from Jimmy and he finds a message from Dan instead. Oh, shoot.

Alyssa sits beside him on the couch. “What’d you wanna do?” she asks.

“Uhh…” Phil angles away from her to check Dan’s message.

 **_dan_** : hey

 **_dan_** : what are we doing tomorrow then

“I don’t know, what do you wanna do?” Phil says to Alyssa.

 **_phil_** : Can you pick me up after school? We can do something after

 **_phil_** : Oh you have work, right?

 **_da_** : no my shift is late tomorrow

 **_dan_** : we can do that

 **_phil_** : Cool  
  
Dan’s bubble is still typing when Alyssa snatches his phone from his hands.  
  
“Wanna play Mario Kart?”  
  
“I, Alyssa-”  
  
“What?”  
  
“I..” And what is he to say? “Alyssa, I’m making very important plans with my ex boyfriend, you didn't even know I liked a guy, give that back please”?

“Let’s play Mario Kart,” he says instead.

 

It’s not until Alyssa is tired and asleep beside him that he gets to talk to Dan. Alyssa is not a great Mario Kart player, but she tries. At this point, beating her in this game is the usual for him, and no matter how many years they play for, Phil never gets used to it. To not having to try his best, to letting her win from time to time. It just doesn’t stick. Dan never let him win at Mario Kart. Phil snaps his eyes shut at the thought.  
  
**_phil_** : Hey, sorry, I got busy

 **_dan_** : hi

 **_phil_** : Hey

 **_dan_** : wanna go for some bubble tea?

Phil smiles at his phone. He very much wants to.

 

* * *

 

The next day comes like any other, except it's not uneventful. Not one bit.

He grades papers on his free hour and one catches his attention. This one girl's work, Annie, always has doodles and cool typography all around. Other teachers would call her out, sure, he probably should do that himself, but the doodles are always a fun part of grading stuff. They're like nice little treats every now and then that make routines less stressful. Annie's in particular are always cool. She's a very talented girl.

This paper is no exception. There is a puppy on one top corner, which makes him smile, and then there's a bottom corner. " _Here comes a feeling you thought you'd forgotten,_ " it says. The letters are cool, at least, but it makes his stomach flip inside him. Shit, he doesn't know if he believes in life signs or anything of that matter, but what are the chances? This is going to eat him alive.

 

After the lunch break bell rings, Jimmy walks into Phil's classroom as everyone leaves. Some kids say hi to him and some he high fives. It's sort of... really adorable.

"Ey, Phil. D'you have any plans this weekend?"

"Uh… Don't think so, why?"

After everyone is gone, Jimmy shuts the door and walks towards him.

"Wanna do something on friday? My boyfriend's gonna be away for the weekend. Thought we could hang out at my flat, play 20 questions, gossip about stuff."

The word _boyfriend_ rolling so easily from Jimmy's tongue makes Phil exhale. Suddenly there is this sense of security. Like he can be himself.

"Sounds fun, actually. We'll see."

Phil stands from his chair. He thinks he catches Jimmy ogling his body for a fraction of a second, but he ignores it.

"Wanna go for sodas and chips?" Phil asks.

"Sure."

 

They walk from the classroom to the same vending machine from before. Phil doesn't mind paying for both sodas and chips. He likes buying people stuff, and Jimmy seems worth it.

They stand in a comfortable silence as they wait for everything to come down. It feels like they've known each other forever, yet they're basically strangers, still.

"I could've been a homophobe," Phil says. When he looks at Jimmy, he is lying his back on the wall and looking right through him. Jimmy is very good looking.

"But you're not."

He wonders if Phil is an obvious situation of a walking closet to everyone but Alyssa (and he anxiously hopes he's not). He wonders what it's like, being an out gay and free of each of his own worries. He wants to ask Jimmy, "What's it like being out?" but he swallows his words. That would definitely be rude, and he is not ready.

He is still thinking about it on the walk back to his classroom, Jimmy walking in front of him. Maybe he can tell this to him. Maybe. It's a mess, and it will take more than lunch break, but he figures that he can't keep everything to himself forever. He is going to explode. He has to tell someone, and who will he ever tell if not Jimmy? But how? He's so ashamed.

When they get back to Phil's classroom, he can't help it. Not anymore.

"Jimmy?" His voice sounds small, so small, and it surprises even himself. Jimmy turns to see him with big eyes and a wrinkled forehead.

"Yeah?"

He sucks his lips on a tight line. Can he do this? Can he really do it? Is he actually about to? He notices that his breathing is heavier now, and he gulps.

"Phil?" Jimmy says. He takes a few steps towards him and lays a hand on Phil's arm. "What is it? Are you alright?"

 _No, he is not._ It sinks in how not alright his life is right now, nothing is okay.

He breathes in deeply.

"I… Can I tell you something?"

Jimmy looks at him and squints his eyes. "Okay?"

Phil takes one last deep breath, and he closes his eyes.

"I'm." Jimmy is not judging him. He can say it. How long has it been? "I think I'm gay?"


	4. four

The words he hasn't said (or allowed himself to even think) in around five years. Not once. He wishes deeply that he could say it's like a massive weight has been lifted off his back, but instead, he is terrified. Completely, utterly terrified. Shaking.

"Okay…" Jimmy says. "Thank you for trusting me."

Phil sits on one of the student chairs. He tries to balance his breathing.

"What about your girlfriend?"

He shakes his head. "I don't want to talk about Alyssa."

Jimmy nods slowly, his hands on his hips, and he looks down at the floor. "Do you want to talk about any of it?"

"No."

"...Right."

"I'm not ready."

Jimmy sits on the chair beside him.

"That's okay too." He lays his hand on Phil's forearm. "We can talk about things later. Do know that I'm here for you."

"Thank you," Phil says. His hands are shaking, his world is blurry. Jimmy's hand pats him softly before he removes it, and he throws one of the bags of chips to his lap.

"We will talk about it, though," he says.

"Do we have to?"

"I think we do," Jimmy nods. And they do have to. Phil has to. He nods back and breathes, and he opens his bag after. He can do nothing but accept it, for now.

 

The wait for this school day to end feels like waiting for a ticking bomb to explode (except he is the bomb, and there is no explosion anywhere, he just feels like he's going to the second he sees Dan). He also thinks about what he said to Jimmy a lot (all day long, over and over).

His students are already leaving the room when he gets that one text.

 **_dan_** : where are u

 **_phil_** : Where are you?

 **_dan_** : im waiting outside

And all of a sudden, the wait that felt like forever just a minute ago feels way too short. Shit, Dan is really out there, waiting for him.

 **_phil_** : wait

 **_dan_** : are u gonna show me ur classroom

 **_phil_** : Yes I'm coming for you

On that note, Phil locks his phone. He gulps as he stands, and he makes his way to the doors. It's not a very short walk considering the size of the school, but every step of the way there feels important, somehow, and with every step he tries to gain as much courage as possible.

 

When he is finally out, it doesn't take long to find Dan. There he is, just standing as tall as ever, staring at his phone's screen on his hand, and he looks nice. Phil takes a deep breath before he walks toward him, and Dan quickly looks up at him. He smiles a tiny smile.

"Show me your classroom," Dan says when Phil is close.

"Hi to you too," Phil says.

Dan's smile widens and he rolls his eyes. "Hi."

"Come on, then."

He leads the way and Dan walks behind him. Phil's palms are sweating. He stares ahead to not turn and stare at him.

"This is it," he says once they're just outside Phil's classroom. He opens the door for Dan and watches his face take it all in as he steps inside. It's like the fairy lights all reflect on his eyes only. They're big and wide open, an expression Phil can recognise, yet still, he needs to hear each of his thoughts.

"Wow," Dan huffs a laugh. He is looking at the posters and the lights, and for a second Phil is afraid he might not like it. Just for a second.

"This is… so you, like, I'm surprised, but of course you have dog posters."

"Yeah," Phil laughs.

"I kinda love it."

"Thanks," he says.

And the moment feels heavy on Phil's skin. He feels naked.

Dan sits on one of the chairs. "Do I see glittery pens over there?"

"Oh, yeah." Phil runs to grab the pen jar and he brings it to Dan.

Dan looks at him curiously, a smile still on his face. He takes the pink glitter pen (which, of course he does, that is so Dan).

"For me?"

"Yeah."

"Thanks," he laughs, and Phil goes to put the pens back on his desk.

"You're… really a teacher."

"I am."

"Wow," Dan says with a breathy giggle as he stands up and walks towards the door. "Let's go, then."

Phil walks behind him and stares at the back of his head. How is the back of someone's head that unique and pretty?

He follows Dan everywhere from his classroom, to the doors, to the outside of the school and to the parking lot. He is suddenly aware of how much brighter life itself feels  outside, following him to a row of parked cars, as if he had just woken up from a long, long nap.

Dan goes and twists a key to open the driver's door of this black, shiny car. Now, Phil mostly never has any opinions on cars, but this one is _cool_. He can't believe Dan got a car.

"Phil!"

Jimmy waves at him from afar about to go inside his own car, red and tiny. Phil waves back at him, and Jimmy blows a kiss in the air before getting in the car.

Dan is turning his car's stereo on as soon as they are in. A song that Phil doesn't recognise plays, but the voice sounds familiar. As familiar as it sounds, he just can't place it.

"Who is this?" he asks.

"Frank Ocean," Dan says in that way he always has talked about the things he really, truly loves. "This song's pretty new, actually."

Phil focuses on listening for a bit. It's… rap. And its lyrics are certainly gay, which is very new. Not what he'd usually listen to, but it's good, it’s really good.

"Who was that?"

"Jimmy? He's a friend of mine."

Dan's eyebrows raise, and the car starts moving. Phil recognises it instantly. It was the one word Dan doesn't like, and he can't blame him. A wave of guilt washes over him and he tries his best to simply ignore it.

"Where are we going?" Phil asks, a quick change of subject.

"BobaJam."

"Nice."

They stay silent for a few seconds, and then,

"Oh, do you have my tie?"

Dan sucks his lips in a tight smile and breathes in deeply, realisation hitting him evidently. His face is every red shade of embarrassed.

"Nope," he sighs. "No, I do not. Sorry."

"It's fine, Dan."

"I had one job."

Phil laughs, and Dan turns to steal a quick look at him before turning back to the road.

"You had one job," he mocks him, laughter still in his voice. It makes Dan smile, which felt necessary. His dimple digs deep in his cheek. Phil is not angry at all.

"We're going for that tie now, or I won't feel at peace," Dan says.

"We don't have to, Dan. It's fine."

"No, it's alright. I don't live too far from here."

Dan's eyes won't leave the road, and his big hands still grip the steering wheel. Oh well, Phil thinks.

"Well it's not like I can stop you now, is it?"

"Nope."

What can he do other than let Dan be Dan? It's not like he minds in the slightest.

"Alright," Phil lays back and crosses his arms on his chest, making himself comfortable on the seat, and he simply lets Dan drive.

 

Dan lives in this cupboard of an apartment surrounded by big trees, tiny flowers and grass, in a neighborhood that feels too calm to be real. Drowsy, even. It could just be the hour, but the sun spills on everything in a beautiful golden glow, and the trees sway gently. Phil is absolutely charmed, like the world can't look prettier than this.

In front of him, Dan turns the keys to open the door. No one should look like _that_ just opening a door, but he _does_ , and out of nowhere there is the sound of paws hitting the wooden floor of the apartment and a furry dog jumping on Dan's legs and wagging its tail as the door opens.

"Hello, Colin," Dan says in this absolutely ridiculous, way too high pitched voice.

"Oh my god!"

Dan gets in, and the dog pants and jumps on Phil's legs right after. Phil instantly kneels down to pet him.

"You didn't tell me you have a dog!"

Colin is soft, clean. He is wonderful, but he doesn't seem to care about Phil that much once he has taken a good look and sniff of him. He hops off Phil's knees and goes to chase after Dan, so Phil stands up.

"Well, I do and I don't. He's supposed to be my family's, and I was supposedly taking care of him for a while, but you know. Things happened."

"Does your family still live where they used to?"

"Yeah."

"Hm." Phil doesn't know if it's appropriate to ask further, so he doesn't.

"I wouldn't give him back for the world anyways if they ever tried at this point," Dan half shouts after disappearing into some mysterious hall (Colin paddles right after him).

Phil doesn't know what to do then. He stands there awkwardly and allows his eyes to look around while he's alone, because what else can he do.

There are framed pictures on white shelves of Dan and Bryony together, which takes Phil by surprise even though it logically shouldn't. It would be so much more surprising if there weren’t any. He guesses it's just seeing her face again that shakes him. Dan and Bryony have been best friends since university. Phil, on the contrary, hasn't talked to Bryony in years, not since the break up. Hell, there's this one picture in a corner of her and Dan from all those years ago. Looking at it now, it feels like an eternity has slipped by. They look like babies.  
  
There are candles in pretty holders, books, one cool moon lamp. Plants in that corner between the couch and the bookshelf. The couch looks soft. It's a minimalistic place, exactly like what he knows Dan always wanted. He gets it, he really does. There is not a single thing around that reminds him of himself, and he is more glad than sad. If there was something to remind Phil of himself here, it would surely remind Dan even harder. Somewhere, there is a good thing about this, he is sure, even though his heart is aching.

"Here it is," Dan says as he comes back, Phil's tie clean and rolled up on one hand. Why does he find it suddenly so hard to speak?

"Thank you," he says. His voice is faint, and hopefully Dan didn't notice.

"Bubble tea?"

"Yeah."

 

They had been to BobaJam a few times before, way too many years ago, when they didn't have to be actual adults.

Dan orders the matcha bubble tea, Phil orders caramel. They sit together by the window facing the other even though it's the least convenient position, but they occasionally look outside and make up stories about the most boring people they can spot walking by. It's peaceful, and it's happy, and it's nice. They talk about Colin and his situation, about their jobs, about their families and everything they can think of at the moment. It's impressively easy, even now. Dan laughs and bites his straw sometimes, a mannerism Phil didn't know he missed. It feels exactly like old times.

They take their time. It takes too long to finish their tea cups, and Phil swears no human ever took this long to finish one, ever.

Outside the window, the sky is now a rich and deep neon blue. Phil thinks this exact shade is his favorite color (it was still a baby blue shade when they got here, seriously, how much time has passed them by?)

“What d’you wanna do? Do you want a ride home?” Dan asks as Phil looks outside.

“Uhh…” Right now? Do they have to leave? Well, obviously they have to at some point. Still, he just shrugs at him.

“Or we could just walk around for a bit,” Dan says and looks down at the transparent cup, twisting his wrist and shuffling the tiny drops left inside it.

“Yeah, we can do that.” They get up to leave, and the unreasonable part of him wants to hold his hand. The thought comes and goes.

 

When they walk out, the air is fresh and the lights around them all shine in the nicest way. They reflect softly on Dan’s curls, on his face. Phil takes the time to take him in when he isn’t looking.

Today he admitted something to Jimmy, and it was not a light thing. He feels the weight of his words on his chest, and it hurts. He shouldn’t have said it. He is not even certain it’s true. He needs it to not be.

“What are you thinking?” Dan asks.

“Stuff. A lot. I don’t know.”

Dan clicks his tongue. “Always.”

“What?”  
  
“You’ve always done that. Always in your own little world.”

“Sorry.”

“Phil, it’s all good.”

“Well, I’m here now.”

Dan only looks at him and squints his eyes. Clearly he is somewhat in his own head, too. Phil wants to not stare at him, to look anywhere else. But being with Dan is hard. He can lie and pretend to anyone all he wants, but not to Dan, and there are too many thoughts in his head, and Dan is devastatingly beautiful. In a way, it hurts to look at him sometimes, for way too many reasons that would give him a headache to unscramble if he took the time. Here comes a feeling you thought you’d forgotten, huh?

They walk for a while, but there are mostly restaurants in this area. Nothing to distract him. Everything is boring, and Dan is right next to him, pretty and interesting and so full of tiny details and freckles.

Dan looks at him, and he can’t help it.

“You look really beautiful, Dan.”

Dan looks down. He sort of puckers his lips and he shakes his head. “Nope. Don’t do that, you’re not allowed to do that.”

Right. It hits Phil coldly, not only Dan’s response, but the billions of reasons for it, how hard everything is... He really shouldn’t have said that.

“Why are we here? Like, why did you wanna go out?” 

Phil doesn’t know what to say. Why did he ask him out? Dan looks at him expectantly. When Phil says nothing, he closes his eyes. “ _Asshole_ ,” he mutters.

“Dan.”

“I think we should go now.”

“I really just wanted to catch up, to hang out, that’s not fair.”

“No!” Dan shouts. “You know what’s not fair?!” He is about to shout something, and then he doesn’t. Phil can see him choke his own words and close his eyes again to try and calm down, though he thinks he has an idea of what he was going to say.

“Right. I’m sorry. I’m gonna call a cab.” He gets his phone out of his pocket. Dan huffs after a few seconds. 

“Don’t– don’t be ridiculous.” He holds that spot right between his eyebrows and the top of his nose with two fingers. He always has done that when stressed. “I’ll give you a ride.”

Phil wants to slap himself. He _still_ manages to find ways to upset Dan, that is just what he does. He hates it. Dan simply sighs and turns back. How can things go so wrong in so little time?

 

Dan walks ahead of Phil until they’ve reached his car.

“You don’t have to give me a ride.”

Dan glares at him and opens the door. “I’m angry, not a jerk.”

He gets in first, and then Phil sighs before he climbs on the passenger seat.

Neither of them say anything for most of the ride, other than Phil's address. Phil stares out the window, Dan stays focused on the road.

“I’m sorry,” Phil says halfway. He _is_ sorry, for way too many things.

Dan huffs a dead laugh. “Yeah.”

“I am.”

And they say nothing else.

 

It doesn’t happen until Dan is parking outside Phil’s apartment.

“Could we one day just sit down and talk about every little thing that happened?” Phil asks. “Everything that went wrong.”

Dan looks down at his lap. He doesn’t look angry anymore, just sad. It’s the way his shoulders hang low and the staring at his own fingers. The way he says, “Yeah, I would like that.”

“Today was supposed to just be a nice day to catch up and all. Like, I wasn’t planning on anything, if you think I was.”

He turns to look at him. “I think you’re confused, Phil. That’s what I think.”

And he’s not wrong. He is confused about a lot of things.

“I am here for you, I want to make that clear, because I think you need someone to lean on about stuff, but you can't call me beautiful or shit like that.”

Phil feels like a dog after shredding the toilet paper all over the house.  

“I know, Dan.”

“Good,” he nods towards the door. Phil smiles with tight lips, takes his things and opens the car door to get out.

“Thank you for today. It was a nice time.”

Dan nods. “I think I’ll always be slightly angry at you, but I don’t want to be. We do need to talk about it.”

“We will. Bye Dan.”

He shuts the door and he walks to his building’s door. When he inevitably turns back, he can see Dan through the glass, both of his hands covering his face entirely. This way he doesn’t see Phil, and that is probably for the best. It’s not until he’s about to go inside that he hears the car go and fade away.

* * *

 “Alyssa? Are you home?”

There’s no response. Not that it's a good or bad thing, but it does take some tension off his shoulders. It’s just what he needs right now: solitude.

He puts the corgi tie in his bag and leaves it on the aisle after. He takes off his tie, kicks off his shoes, and he pulls his phone from his pocket.

 **_phil_** : Hey

 **_phil_** : I do need to talk to you

Keys jingle behind him then, and the door opens suddenly.

“Babe,” Alyssa says, her voice high pitched, as if she didn’t expect him there.

“Hello."

Phil turns and wraps his arms around her, and it takes a moment for Alyssa to hug back. When they break apart, she doesn’t try to kiss him, and he is sort of glad for it.

“Why is your hair so… all over the place?” Phil asks. He brushes her hair with his fingers, delicately places strands behind her ears.

“I’m… It was just a weird day at work,” she says.

“Yeah… It was weird for me too. You wanna talk about that?”

“Can we play some video game instead?”

Phil is slightly taken aback, slightly worried, but it’s okay. They can talk about it later.

“Sure,” he says.

Alyssa goes to turn on their PlayStation console, and Phil watches her do it stood there. He can’t read her today, it’s too strange. Is she sad, angry, stressed? He can’t tell, he just knows it’s not good.

“Do you want anything to eat? Can I do anything?”

She stands straight, and she lays her tiny hands on her tiny waist.

“Do we have any alcohol?”

“I… Hmm… Is alcohol a good idea?”

“Who even cares,” she says. She drags each vowel like a child and tips her head back.

“I care. A lot.”

Alyssa sighs loudly, frustrated, and she chooses to ignore Phil’s comment, apparently. She stomps past him and towards the kitchen and begins opening and closing drawers, searching for any bottle.

“Alyssa… What's going on?"

She turns and glares at him. "Can't I have a drink?"

Well, what is he to do? He huffs and shrugs at her and feels useless for it, even though he knows he cannot stop her.

"At least eat something first," he says.

Alyssa fishes a bottle of whiskey out, walks past him and goes to sit down on the couch.

“Alyssa.”

“Are you playing or not?”

“No, I’m not in the mood.”

She snorts a laugh and uncaps the bottle before taking a big swig. "When are you ever?" 

"Okay," Phil says, "Do you want me to stay?"

"I don't give a shit," she says, never taking her eyes off the screen in front of her. And wow. Her words hurt at Phil's chest, but he understands it's just a bad moment. It's okay.

"I'm in the room if you need me."

 

In their room and after putting on his comfiest pajamas, he is able to check his phone.

 **_jimmy_** : we can talk about it on friday

 **_jimmy_** : everything ok?

Phil sighs and throws himself in bed.

 **_phil_** : Yeah, it's just been a long day

He didn't know he needed this so badly; to simply lay in bed and rest. Life moves so quickly. Everything is happening all at once, and he needs to stop and catch his breath. But also, he needs to do so much. So much stuff that can wait for another day, he tells himself as he crosses his arms behind his neck and closes his eyes.

* * *

He wakes up to the distant sound of the toilet being flushed. The room is dark, so dark that he can barely make out his own hands' silhouettes as he searches for his phone on the nightstand. His mouth is dry, his feet are cold, and the bed is still empty beside him.

" _Oh, Alyssa_ ," he thinks. He turns on the lamp on the nightstand and waits sat on their bed for her to come out of the bathroom for a few minutes. He checks the alarm clock. It's almost 2am. He can hear nothing outside the walls of their room, no footsteps, no signs of her.

He is still debating in his sleep clouded brain whether he should go check on her or not when the bedroom door opens. Alyssa stands there for a moment, just looking at him. Her hair is even more disheveled than it was before, her skin is pale, and there are soft dark shadows under her eyes. She makes her way to her side of the bed slowly, as if that is all that her energy can give for now.

"I'm sorry," she mutters with a shaky voice and crystal eyes, as if she means it, standing next to the bed.

"Did you throw up? Are you okay?"

She nods and lays down in bed facing him. Phil lays down beside her and watches her breathe.

"I'm okay now," Alyssa says. Still, she looks more like a zombie than a living person. Phil gently threads his fingers through her hair out of instinct.

"Do you need anything? Do you wanna talk about it now?"

She shakes her head against the pillow and smiles sadly at him.

"Just cuddles."

In that moment, there is this feeling on Phil's chest. It tugs at him and shakes his world for a second, the feeling that he really, truly loves her. Whatever way this is, he loves Alyssa. So much. And what Alyssa needs right now is a cuddle.

He scoots closer and Alyssa turns her body until she is no longer facing him. Phil goes as near as he possibly can, every inch of their bodies glued together. Their legs intertwine automatically, and his hand snakes around her belly. Love this physical with Alyssa is so overwhelming sometimes, and yet there they are, against all odds. This he can do just fine.


End file.
